Don't Forget
To take your vitamins. But not those ones, this brand is more bio-available. Don’t go overboard; too much can be worse than none at all. Even better if you’re getting nutrients from whole foods in your diet, actually. More chia seeds. But make sure there’s enough liquid. Fifteen dollars for a bag of Brazil nuts because you need selenium. More than one a day will cause selenium toxicity. Organic only. If you can’t afford everything organic, at least prioritize the fruits and vegetables where you eat the skin. Why would you eat frozen? Too long in there and you get freezer burn and ice crystals and soggy bananas that are only good for baking. Don’t let your produce go bad. Eat it quickly, eat enough of it that it doesn’t ever get slimy in the fridge. Don’t waste food. If it goes bad, it has to go in the green bin.
Take the stickers off first. Clean your recyclables well before you sort them. There’s too much glue from the label left on that jar, it will just end up in the landfill anyway. Wear gloves when you sort the recycling or else you’ll ruin your manicure. Wash your hands. Oil your cuticles. Don’t bite your hangnails. Never touch your face. Your hands are too filthy to put in your mouth. Did that person just cough on me? How is it that we all went through the same thing but they’re not covering their mouth? Did they miss the lesson about using your elbow?
My elbows are dry. I have one hundred almost-empty bottles of lotion that I have to shake because they’re all separated and oily, but it would be a waste to throw them out. What do you do with those bottles? How do I reduce my plastic waste? Ed Begley Jr.’s daughter fits a week’s worth of her trash in a mason jar.
The electrolytes my nutritionist told me to use come in single-use packets. They don’t have any sugar. Listen to the cravings that scream, not the cravings that hum. Eat thirty grams of protein at breakfast. Don’t keep eating if you’re full. I don’t know how I’m supposed to tell what is fulness, or disgust, or boredom with what I’m eating. I worked too hard to hate food as a child, but then I worked really hard to not hate food, but then Covid wrecked my palate and brought all the old negative tastes and associations back.
You need more fiber. Way more fiber. Your cholesterol is too high but it can be fixed with lifestyle changes. This is the same cardiologist’s office your dad went to, before his open-heart surgery. Before he died. Your murmur is still fine. Your arteries are still good. Your valve issue is… minor. Why are you getting dizzy all the time? Your sodium is too low. Your inflammation is too high. Take some turmeric. The one that’s more bio-available. The one with curcumin in it. That brand is cheaper at Costco, but it’s not the perfect formulation. That’s a really high deductible. Your HSA contribution has been received.
Blueberries would help. Not the factory farmed ones they sell at your discount grocery outlet. Wild ones. Organic ones. “What are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?” At work, a woman put that on a slideshow about which AI tools she likes best, without any attribution. You’re not being productive enough. It’s hard to stay focused. Was my attention span always so short? Or is it because of too much scrolling and phone games and ads for more phone games, and looking at several of the most horrific things I’ve ever seen on the tiny screen while I look at the big screen after dinner? Isn’t that a cute video? Is that real? How long until I can’t tell?
Take a walk after dinner, it’ll help with your digestion. You’re not getting enough steps. Don’t forget the high-intensity cardio. Lift heavier weights. Your bones will crumble if you don’t. Always stretch after. You’ll need to be able to get up if you fall when you’re old. You should be able to open that jar. Don’t over-stretch. Wear compression socks. Cotton underwear. No underwear. Anti-chafing gel. This Redditor suggests a roll-on, this one suggests a stick, or a powder. The combination creates a sort of roux that can’t be good for the pH balance.
Go to the rheumatologist, maybe she’ll know what’s wrong that the cardiologist and the gynecologist and the neurologist and the dermatologist don’t. She has you bend your wrists back and reach down to put your palms on the floor. “Oh yeah, you’re hypermobile.” Antibiotic ointment. Medical-grade soap. It should just go away on its own. It’s from friction. Get more exercise. Figure out how to exercise without friction. Get more bloodwork. There’s nothing abnormal.
The allergist can see you in six months. He’s a ninety-minute drive away. Take an antihistamine. Not that kind; it increases your dementia risk. Who will take care of me when I’m old?1 Why aren’t you contributing the maximum into your Roth? Is this the kind of savings account I’m supposed to have? Is my credit okay? Are all the spam texts every day a product of the identity theft that happened a few years ago? Is autopay set up right? Are all the charges correct?
Am I doing anything right? Try this one simple trick, did you know that if you mix cottage cheese with nonfat greek yogurt, just twenty reps, every day, hacks, hauls, you won’t believe what happened next. The greatest athlete of all time is advertising a weight loss injectable that her husband invests in. They work by changing your brain’s relationship to desire and satisfaction. Did you know you can bet on anything now? Gambling is legal everywhere now? What’s your regret minimization framework? Don’t skip the ads. Thicker hair, affordable cashmere, the best cell network.
Dance like no one’s watching. Body positivity. Toxic positivity. Radical neutrality. Remember that movie where they’re trying to sell face cream to Janeane Garofalo and she says, “free radicals—what, are we staging a coup?” That movie’s thirty years old. Anti-aging. Growing old is the goal. Girls, girls, little girls, invisible girls. Hy-a-lu-ro-nic acid. Vitamin A. Vitamin C. Retinol. Retinal. Retinoids. Sixteen-step skincare routine. Melasma, crow’s feet, elevens. SPF. Skin cancer. Annual mole checks.
Brush, floss, mouthwash. Sinus rinse with saline. Microplastics. Black plastic spoons. Air quality index. HEPA versus HEPA-like. You use a microwave? Don’t microwave in plastic. Don’t microwave in soft plastic, anyway. Don’t stand in front of it. There are no bad foods. Find joy in everything. Moderation is key. Know when to say no. Know when to say stop. Listen to your body. She’d never lie to you.
The body keeps the score. Cortisol is what causes your belly fat. Stress is the worst thing you can do for your heart. Calm down. Stop overreacting. Understand, instinctively, when something is scary. Don’t believe your brain when it says that everything is scary at exactly the same level. Don’t walk alone at night. Put your keys between your knuckles. Keep earbuds in so no one will talk to you. Turn the volume down so you can still hear your surroundings. Be nice. Smile. Engage. Don’t give them a reason to get mad at you.
Have you tried box breathing? You should be able to hold your breath for a count of eight. Just twenty minutes of meditation a day. Life is suffering, that’s the true path to peace. Do your lymphatic drainage massage. Jump up and down fifty times. Align your qi. Use a task management software so you don’t get behind at work. You sit way too much. Don’t look at screens before bed. Drink more water. Not in the evening or else you’ll get up to pee and never be able to get back to sleep. Wake up early. Earlier. Don’t look at your phone. Go outside. Touch grass. Get sunlight. SPF. Feel the rain on your skin (no one else can feel it for you).
Is that rain coming in through the window again? Is that sound inside or outside? What if there’s someone trying to get in my house but I can’t hear it because of the rain? What’s that jingling noise? Is there a dog off-leash? Oh, it’s just my own keys that are in my hand. Look both ways before crossing the street. What if a car crashes into my apartment? Why are all the headlights so bright now? I can’t see anything anymore. I just drive with one hand up to block the side mirror and hope no one’s there when I change lanes. It’s amazing how many drivers just follow the rules. No one poisons the creamer at coffee shops. We walk across overpasses and just stay put.
Are you happy? “Happy enough” isn’t good enough. Perfect is the enemy of the good. You need to calm down. Will you be fulfilled without children? Will you be fulfilled if you have children? Easy, breezy, beautiful. Low key. Chill. Vibey. Clean girl. Boho. “Aesthetic” is an adjective now. Don’t be pedantic. Please, come in, I’m so sorry my house is a mess, it’s fine, I promise, if you could, no worries, would you mind?
You look great. Did you lose weight? Your hair looks so much better straight. Where’s that dress from? It has pockets! Don’t buy fast fashion. Find vintage clothes that fit. Get everything tailored. Hand wash cold. Air dry only. Heat-free curls. BPA-free. Free to be you and me. How have you been? How long has it been? What have you been up to? How’s whatshisname? And the kids? Work good? Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. We really should catch up sometime. How’s the writing coming?
The muse only arrives when you do. One thousand words a day. Let your creativity flow. Follow the established structures. Don’t write for the market. Write the story that makes your soul sing. That kind of pacing isn’t really selling these days. Make sure you read enough in your genre. Tell the story only you can tell. That genre is out of fashion right now. Write beautifully. Avoid purple prose. Create authentic dialogue. Skip the dialect specifics. Craft emotionally honest characters. The protagonist is too unlikable. It’s a love story, not a romance. There’s not enough. There’s too much. Keep showing up; it works if you work it (and you’re worth it).
God, grant me the serenity. Relax. Breathe. Come as you are. There is no better time than now. You’re the youngest you’ll ever be. Don’t wait for the perfect moment. Start. Keep going. Don’t stop. Discipline. The Creative Act. On Writing. The Artist’s Way. Elements of Style. Bird by Bird. Save the Cat. The Business of Being a Writer. Before and After the Book Deal. Refuse to Be Done.
What do you have to be so worried about? Do you know how lucky you are? How good you have it? So many people have it so much worse than you. You’re not doing enough to help those less fortunate. It’s on you. It’s all on you. Reduce your emissions. Donate local. Save public radio. Volunteer. Build community. Lend a hand. Be a villager. And you’ll be better and you’ll be smarter and more grown up and a better daughter or son, and a real good friend.
Sorry the newsletter’s late this week.
And my mom? And my sister? And my partner? And his family? And my friends?
Oh, I see we have the same brain.